Being Brooke
by xylia89
Summary: Following Brooke through high school, watching her grow up and seeing the missing pieces come together. From Freshman to Prom Queen.
1. lost

The thing is that I like life better when I don't have to think. When everything's gone black, or I'm in a state where mind and thought are lost.

And most of the time I do it by downing way too much vodka and saying yes to whichever guy hits on me. And the thing is my friends don't stop me or anything, because it's just the way I am, it's who I am. And I go with it, which is alright really but sometimes I wish someone would just grab me and shake me or slap me and just tell me to stop. That I don't need this, that I'm better than it. But instead they laugh and joke about the embarrassing things I apparently have done.

Why do I do it? I don't really know, I think it's because although I act independent, although I act all smiles, deep down I'm lonely. And I'm shaken by the thought of being alone. A lot of the time, I feel more alone than anyone else here. Everything that I have, the friends and boys don't make me feel any more real, they don't make me feel any better, because when I go home alone to my bed and turn off the light, the same darkness fulfills me, the same insecurities and loneliness escapes me through the broken tears that stain my pillow every night.

And it's the worst feeling imaginable. And it's almost impossible to bury, or forget or repress. The only way to do it, to escape it, is to chase that temporary high, that fleeting feeling. To be with him for those quick minutes and for just a little while, feel nothing but his arms. Have someone complimenting you and touching you; makes you feel wanted, makes me feel wanted. Makes me feel like someone or just something other than the empty shell that I am. Smiling only because I'm too drunk to feel my own face; being numb and protected from all the hateful words I sing.

The only thing that ruins it, is the downfall. Because it comes to an end every time whether I leave quickly or morning comes, the downfall happens. I feel the pain even more intensely. It shrinks the hole just to blow it up again, just to suck me in and grab at all the broken pieces that lay scattered. It hurts, it hurts.

I don't want to be this person anymore, I don't want to fool around with meaningless people just to feel real, I just want to be happy. I just want to be able to sit in my bed at night and not feel so **lost**.

I just want somebody to stop me and tell me I'm better than this, and make me believe it. Because the popularity and everything is nice, but it's hollow, just like me.

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((reviews are appreciated))


	2. void

I think I might have ruined whatever Nathan and Haley had, or we're having. I was drunk, the hours are getting shorter and shorter between when I start drinking and when I stop. I can't seem to be okay with myself unless I don't remember anything the next morning. I don't remember anything from last night but Peyton filled me in.

And I know why I did it because I'm jealous, I'm fucking jealous. Haley would be so good for Nathan, they could be good together, and I really believe that yet I lied and made comments that could ruin them before they even start. And it's because I want to know why I don't feel anything anymore. How I don't get to be the girl that takes the broken bad boy under her wing to fix him. I'm jealous that people can kiss and hold hands and talk to each other, sober and be happy.

Kissing someone who doesn't care fills a **void **but kissing someone you're in love with or that you think about all the time fills your entire body. I see it in movies and I can guess what the feeling would be like… to think of somebody all day, day-dreaming of their face and touch and to finally get to see them at night and kiss them, it would be amazing. To suffer through whatever you'd have to just to hold their hand. To find somebody that you belong with or that makes you feel complete. To kiss that person would be amazing, to know that they are yours and nobody else's.

So maybe I did it because if I can't feel it I don't want anyone else to, or at least not in front of me. Peyton keeps turning Lucas down, she did last night, after him telling her that he wants everything with her. She turned down a guy basically saying that he wanted a commitment, that he didn't want to just kiss her, he wanted to hold her hand. How often do you get that? I would kill for that, and she just threw it away. I want it, but no one's giving it to me.

Is there something wrong with me?


	3. the beggining

**the beginning**

I'd been dreaming about the first day of high school…since probably the first day I found out about it. Since the day I started watching all the popular TV shows that depicted it so well. _I_ wanted to be able to go somewhere and reinvent myself, to have accomplishments but most of all I wanted to be _known_. I didn't want to blend in the crowd, although Peyton told me I'd never have a problem with that. I wanted to be someone that was never forgotten; I wanted to be that girl that you wanted to know, that you wanted to be. I wanted to be someone you'd never forget.

But it wasn't just for me; I wanted to be someone my mom could be proud of. I wanted to be someone my mom would remember when she was away.

I ran over to Peyton's house as fast as I could. It was about two hours before our first day as Freshman but I didn't care. I used the special hidden key, located somewhere only Peyton and I ever knew, and opened the door. I quietly ran up the stairs not wanting to disturb her dad. I opened the door and walked over to her mirror not being able to contain my excitement.. I looked at my long, dark straight brown hair. I'd saved up all my allowance money to buy a straighnter that made it easy to flip my ends out at the end. I thought I looked _good_. I had on a halter top with my best push up bra, which made me look like I actually had some curves. I had pants that were way too tight on and probably a bit too much black makeup but that's how people wore it in high school, right?

Peyton rolled over and made a sleeping noise and I snapped back to reality and stared at her. She was sleeping in her mom's shirt, just like always. Her hair was a giant curly ball on top of her head, it was a dark blonde. I'd been begging her to dye it blonde or put some kind of bright colour in it but she always told me that I should do it if I liked it so much. She didn't understand that my skin tone would _never _go with blonde hair. She never understood style as much as me, she'd only been wearing black since her mom died. I was hoping that maybe high school would change some things; she'd be happy like she used to be. We'd fit in and find a crowd and we'd be okay. I wouldn't have to wake up to her call most nights asking if I could come over and sing her a lullaby because she was nowhere close to falling asleep. No, that was going to change now.

"P. SAWYER! Get out of bed now!" I squealed ripping off the covers.

She screamed louder than I expected her too and rolled off the bed in surprise. A huge thump was heard on the other side of the bed. I froze and then saw her blonde bob stick up, her eyes were shooting daggers. I gave her a big smile.

"First day of high school!"

"Yes, you've been mentioning that for about three weeks straight now," she said climbing back into bed and reaching for her blanket.

"Not happening, Peyton Sawyer!" I said, grabbing it away.

She groaned and looked at the clock, "7 o'clock! Are you serious!" she then looked at my outfit, "And you're already ready, Jesus, what time did you wake up?"

I smiled, "Not important. I never got to sleep actually. And I had four Diet Pepsi's already so don't worry I'm completely awake! Now let's get going. What are you going to wear?"

"Um…clothes?" she said her eyes still closed.

The door opened and in walked Peyton's dad, "What was all the noise ab – " he looked over at me digging through her closet, I stopped and smiled at him.

He laughed to himself and shook his head, "I should've known Ms. Davis had made her way inside."

"I sure did! You don't have a bucket of cold water by any chance?" I said motioning towards Peyton who was squinting her eyes shut.

"Okay! I'm up! I'm up!" she shouted. I handed her a towel as she walked by and headed to the bathroom.

"Do something with that poodle on your head!"

"Shut up!" she screamed through the door.

"Well, I'll let you girls get to it. I'll start cooking some breakfast," Mr. Sawyer said heading downstairs.

I began looking through her closet. Black tank tops. Blank t-shirts. Black sweaters. Black jeans. Black pants. Black skirts. I felt like I'd walked into a cave. I preferred to be anywhere but Peyton's closet; walking in automatically gave me suicidal tendencies. Thank God, I'd brought some of my own stuff. I pulled out a bunch of shirts from my bag. Pulled out a nice pair of blue jeans, a white wife beater and a pink sweater. I then got some diamond stud earrings and a matching diamond necklace.

Ten minutes later, Peyton walked in. I was going through her twenty three records she had on her bookshelves. It was pretty pathetic since there were about 8 more shelves that needed to be filled. She said she'd have it filled one day. I really hope she wouldn't, the twentysomething she already had we're complete crap. It scared me that there were more in the world.

"Absolutely not," she said spotting the outfit laying on the bed that I'd made.

"Absolutely yes."

"There's no way in hell, Brooke."

"Peyton!"

"No. I don't wear _pink_," she said making a gagging noise while saying it.

"Yes you do, put it on!"

"Brooke, you'll have to kill me first and dress my dead body for my funeral before I wear a frickin pink sweater."

"If you don't put it on, I'm going to tell Nathan Scott you think he's cute!"

I watched as her pale face turned bright red. I burst out laughing, "Yeah that's what I thought."

"You wouldn't," she said staring at me with panic, "He'll think I'm nuts! We saw him at _one _game. We were in the stands, he didn't even see me! He doesn't even know _who I am_."

I started laughing even harder and she took a pillow and threw it at me.

"Fine, I'll wear it, but I won't guarantee I'll keep it on. And I'm not wearing that stupid jewellery."

"Fine," I said pleased.

"Fine."

"Maybe Nathan will be in some of your classes?"

She looked up as she pulled the jeans off her bed, "God, I hope not. I don't want him to think I'm some idiot."

"You're lucky he didn't see you in our Junior High… or any school for that matter. He'd definitely think you were a goth."

"Yeah, with my blonde hair right?"

I pointed to her closet, "And you're hair's not even _really _blonde anyway!"

"Oh, shut up."

"No, I'm serious. We're going on a serious shopping trip. Ask your daddy for some money because you're wardrobe has seriously gotten out of hand."

She laughed, "_Seriously_?" she said mocking me, I stuck my tongue out at her and she looked at her closet, "I guess it kinda is, eh?"

"If you ever want Nathan to look at you, you're going to have to look like this," I said motioning to myself.

"I don't want to look like a slut. And for the millionth time! I said he was _cute_! I didn't say I liked him and I didn't say I even wanted him to look at me!"

"Whatever you say, you're in love admit it."

"You read way too many – oh wait you can't read can you? Yeah you watch way too much TV."

"Ha! Ha! Very funny! I'm sure Nathan loves a girl with humor!" I was about to add more but never got the chance to as she chased me down the stairs screaming.

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	4. fallen star

APOLOGIES

**fallen star**

I stood outside of Tree Hill High holding Peyton's hand, happy I'd chosen to put tissues in my bra, I felt a bit more confident... We'd been walking, and I'd been fine, but standing here, on this walk way just looking at the school.. I'd frozen.

"I…I-I can't do it," I whispered.

"Brooke, you've been waiting for this your whole life. How are you going to be prom queen if you never even go to high school?"

"I'll manage!" I said turning around and walking the other way, but Peyton held on and yanked me back.

"There is no way that I'm letting you walk away when you came to my house two hours before school started and dressed me up like _you_."

I looked at her. She was right. She was wearing the blue jeans, the white shirt and the pink sweater. She looked strange, yet kind of beautiful.

"You don't even care if I go in…you just want to see Nathan," I said sulking.

She let go of my hand and stood in front of me, putting her hands on my shoulders, "Brooke Davis. You hear that name? Brooke Davis. Now if you step into this school and be yourself people are going to _know _you, okay? You're going to be a **star**. They'll watch you when you walk down the halls. People are going to love you. You're going to be a legend."

I smiled looking at her, I know she was just bull-shitting me, picking out lines she'd gotten from a movie we'd watched last week, but it still made me feel better. I then laughed, "You know I was just kidding. Of course I'm going in."

"Whatever you say," she said smiling as we started walking again.

Of course I wasn't kidding. Putting up a strong front was hard, but the thing was I only did it with Peyton, and her dad I guess. I was a little girl in front of my mom and whenever I met new people I shied away. I didn't talk, I was a mute. I was just so embarrassed of… myself. My mom often walked by my room laughing as I read pages I printed out on how to put makeup on properly. "Just give it up, you can't change how you look." And the thing was she didn't say it in the loving way a mother would say, the way Peyton's mom would. Saying it like you don't need makeup because you're already so beautiful; no she said it like all the makeup and tips in the world wouldn't save me.

I acted like the man in front of Peyton but I know she could still see through how vulnerable I was. But at the same time I don't even think she'd recognize me the way I was at home. I was nothing. What did I have? I had no boobs, my mom only spoke to insult me, and my dad well… he never spoke to me at all. I'd just gotten my braces off, I think I still had baby fat and my only real friend was Peyton. Didn't sound like anything special to me; or at least that's what my mom said.

And then I stopped thinking. Because I was through the doors. I was inside high school. I looked around. Everyone was sitting or standing in groups talking, laughing, running, punching each other. It was like a jungle. I looked at the groups of girls, some were normal, some were smart and some were obviously the popular crowd. God I wanted to be one of them.

"Crap! I think I dropped my phone. Stay here, I'll be right back," Peyton cried, running out the door. So there I was standing alone; staring in awe.

"Can I help you?" laughed a beautiful older girl staring down at me. She had long blonde silky hair that was pulled back from her face with a black headband. She had on a short skirt and flip flops with a low V-neck shirt that showed off her huge boobs.

"Uh…uh…"

"Aw, it's a little prostitot!" she laughed, all her identical looking friends giggling in the background.

I looked down at my outfit, mortified. I looked like an idiot. I was trying too hard. I was trying to pull off the look she did effortlessly.

"I…"

"This isn't a _special_ school. Do you s-speak English? Or do you just use the lingo you sluts use on the corners?" she said staring at me with mockery in her eyes. Her friends were killing themselves laughing.

And then he came in.

"Whitney, honestly. Fuck off," he said, taking a step in front with his back towards me.

I didn't see his face. But he was a good foot and a half taller than me. I felt like a little kid. I couldn't even see the girl anymore because he was so… well… jacked. He looked gorgeous even from the back.

He then put his arm around her, "You're just jealous she'll be you in a couple years."

"Oh shut up!" she said trying to shove him off but he kissed her neck and she started giggling. The bell went off and all the girls scattered.

The guy then started walking, still holding Whitney. He looked back and I caught his face; he was gorgeous. He looked back and stared right at me and mouthed, "I think you look hot," and then he winked and kept on walking.

I was happy he didn't look back again because I know my face was bright red.

Peyton then jogged over: "I found it! It was just by the pavement near that light – wo, what happened to you?"

"I…uh…"

Peyton than looked around, "Oh shit the bell went off? We don't even know what class we're in!" she grabbed my arm and we started running towards the class lists.

I think she was talking to me the whole time searching, but I wasn't thinking of anything else other than his face.

I wish I'd known then, that nothing would ever be the same.

_I woke up _sweating. I sat up and held my covers tight, trying to catch my breath. The nightmares had become a recurring thing. I wanted them to go away; I didn't want to think. I looked at the clock. 8:39am. My headache, which was pounding now, in revenge of the party I went to last night, felt like it was getting worse.

I was going to be late for school, again. Of course no one came to wake me. There was no one here. There was never anyone here. I looked at bedside table beside me and saw the rest of my two six of vodka sitting there. I reached over and grabbed it, opening the cap and started drinking, trying not to gag at the harsh taste that burned my throat. I wasn't going to be able to get through today without it; not a lot of days I could get through with out it, and the constant nightmares of replaying of old memories didn't help anything. I dropped the empty bottle and wiped my face with the back of my hand. I searched for a water bottle and found a half empty Dasani bottle on the ground, I reached for it and chased down the burning sensation in my throat.

My phone started buzzing and I groaned as it made my headache feel even worse. I left it unanswered and walked to the bathroom, opened up the cabinet and grabbed two Advils. Swallowing them with tap water. I looked at the mirror and was disgusted with what I saw, just like usual. I'd gained weight and my hair was shorter and reddish. I turned around angrily and walked to my dresser. I grabbed a low tank top and a mini skirt and threw on some ballet flats. I could feel my buzz start to hit me and I immediately felt better.

I walked to school, quite gracefully for being half drunk and arrived to Bevin and a bunch of the girls running up to me.

"Brooke! Where have you been! We had practice this morning!" Bevin chirped.

"Well if you'd been at the party last night, you'd probably know," I replied, wishing she'd let me just get to class.

"Brooke…I was at the party last night."

"Oh, well just goes to show you," I said playing off a laugh. Had I really drank that much? On a school night?

Bevin laughed, "Well you don't look it," she said staring at my outfit.

"Honey, I couldn't look bad if I tried," I said, forcing a smile.

"You're totally right," she replied and we all started walking into school together.

We kept walking and I stopped when I saw _him_ walking with a friend and laughing.

I wanted him.


	5. magic

APOLOGIES

"Peyton! We have to go!" I whined as Peyton placed her records in alphabetical order.

"Brooke, I really just am not feeling it," she sulked.

"It is not my fault!" I screamed.

"What?" she said looking up at me. She was back to wearing all black, after just one week of high school. She had on black tights and a long black sweater. Her hair was a mess.

"Just because Nathan hit on me."

"I wouldn't say winking was hitting on you."

I looked at her and she groaned, I tried to make her feel better:"I'm sorry. I mean I didn't say anything back I walked away."

"I don't care Brooke, honestly. I just thought he was cute and of course he'd hit on you over me."

"He'll be at the party tonight."

"You think so?"

"Most definitely. It's the first party of the year and the basketball team's been made," I said matter of fact-ly staring at all the outfits I'd brought.

"Well than that settles it. I'm definitely _not _going," she said placing a record onto her player and turning it up really loud.

"What are you going to do instead? Draw by your computer while all the creeps in the world stare at you through your webcam?"

She looked up shooting me a dirty look.

"Pleaaassseeee Peyton. I really, really want to go!"

"Why?" she asked angrily, "Why would you want to go? Specially after those girls were so mean to you?"

"It's all about getting out there. Cheerleading try outs are Monday, and by the way you're coming. I'm sure all the cheerleaders will be there, I want them to know who I am when I walk in."

"You're not going to get shit-faced and make a fool of yourself are you?"

I stared at her in awe, "Peyton. I'm a freshman, I've never even had a sip of anything in my life. Of course I'm not going to do that!"

Peyton just groaned, "If I go will you come to the record store with me tomorrow…and buy me one," she added, an evil smile spreading on her face.

I knew exactly where she was going, "You're bribing me! Peyton Sawyer, I never would have thought."

She laughed.

"Okay, so let's figure out what we're wearing," I said excitedly.

An hour and a half later we were both dressed. Peyton was wearing tight black jeans and a wife beater, I'd curled her hair for her and she looked pretty good. I was wearing a short jean skirt and a pink low cut shirt that showed off what my push up bra created.

We walked to the party and came to a giant house. It was huge, it almost looked like a castle. It kind of looked like mine, except nicer. I hadn't ever been in this neighbourhood, it was about a twenty five minute walk from Peyton and my neighbourhood. It was all green grass and giant white houses with pillars. There were even white picket fences, I felt like I was in a dream.

"Wow," Peyton said echoing my thoughts.

I then heard a loud scream

"Fight! Fight! Fight!" a person flew out the door followed by an even bigger guy. All of a sudden they were rolling around on the ground throwing punches. A giant group of people came out to watch and chant, forming a circle.

"Did we just walk into the set of another teen movie," Peyton asked sceptically.

"Oh come on!" I said grabbing her arm and joining the crowd.

We watched the two of them fight but I started to find it boring when one of them seemed to go unconscious. We walked into the house and looked around.

There was a spiral staircase surrounded with people drinking and laughing. There was a balcony staring down from the upstairs where more people were drinking and laughing and flirting. We took off our shoes and kept walking in, the kitchen was full of guys competing with a beer bong. The living room had loud music blasting with lots of girls dancing. There were more rooms but they were filled with couples making out on the couches.

We walked to the back of the house and looked at the giant backyard. There was a pool with people running around and throwing each other in, girls were everywhere in bathing suits that left nothing to the imagination. Tables were set up everywhere with people playing drinking games with cards. I looked over and saw a hot tub where Whitney was standing up and falling over drunkenly.

"I _never _did that!"

"I have it on tape!" replied another cheerleader.

Whitney tipped a bit, her drink almost falling over.

"Easy does it, Whit," came his voice.

I watched as he stood up and held her, "I think it's time you lie down."

"Oh fuck off, Adam. I'm not lying down. The party's just starting!" she said throwing her hand in the air, holding her drink, that spilled beer all in the hottub, sending a bunch of girls in to a fit of laughter. She then slipped on a stair but was caught by Adam.

"Come on," he said helping her get out. I stared at him. He was in swimming shorts and he was flawless. He had huge shoulders, a muscular back and when he turned wit her I saw that his chest was just as amazing, a six pack. He was tanned and had brown hair that swooped in front of his eyes, his eyes were a piercing blue. Every time I looked at him my heart fluttered.

"Alright, but only if _you_ bring me up to bed," she said laughing as if she'd said the funniest thing in the world.

"Yeah, yeah," he said carrying her out of the hottub. She nestled into his chest and I felt a pain of jealousy sore through my chest.

"If you stare anymore you're going to turn into a statue," Peyton said waving her hand in front of my face.

"Wh-what? I wasn't staring!" I replied defensively.

"Come on, there are a couple girls from our class," Peyton said pointing to a bunch of freshman.

"Fine," I said broodingly as I looked longingly as Adam carried Whiney into the mansion.

We walked over to the group of girls and Peyton started asking if any of them were trying out for cheerleading. A bunch of them said yes and that they were really nervous. I was tuning out of the conversation, all I wanted was to see him, to touch him. I didn't care how much older he was, I wanted him.

"I'm gunna uh, get a drink!" I said.

"I'll come with you," Peyton offered.

"Nonsense!" I said smiling and walking over to the house.

I walked inside and was hit by a ridiculously drunk guy, sending me into a counter. He turned around.

"Oh my god, little lady. I didn't even see you!"

I smiled at him as he patted me on the head.

"You're going to be stunning in a couple a years, kid," he said winking, "Give me a call."

I shrugged his hand off of me and walked to the refrigerator, I heard him laugh. In a couple of years? Kid? I was fourteen. I wasn't a fucking kid! I opened the fridge and saw Diet Pepsi on the top shelf and grabbed for one but stopped. No, a kid would drink pop. I looked and saw a couple of beer cans near the bottom. I grabbed one and closed the fridge, looking around for a red cup. I found one and poured it inside.

I quickly downed it, trying not to gag at the taste. I wasn't a kid. I wasn't. I thought back to right before I'd left my house.

"Okay mom, I'm leaving," I said as she painted her nails in front of the TV.

She just waved me off.

"I'm going to a party," I said trying to get her to just talk to me, or see me as something other than an annoying little girl. She was home for a week, I wanted to try and get something out of her before she left for months again.

"Wow, don't you feel special!" she said mockingly, not looking up from her nails.

"Uh…"

"High school boys don't like flat chested wannabes," she said looking up, straight into my eyes. I didn't flinch, I held my ground, feeling myself shake, feeling tears come to my eyes. She smiled, "Or Goths."

"Peyton's not a Goth."

"Whatever. She has a right to look stupid with no mother. You though," she said pointing to me and then at herself, "You have no excuse."

I looked down, feeling tears prick my eyes, "I was hoping you'd say have fun, don't be home too late."

"Brooke you're not five anymore."

"But you still call me a kid?"

She motioned to me, "You're _asking _me to give you a curfew?"

_I'm asking you to care, _I whispered in my head. Regretting having even opened my mouth. Like anything that came out of her mouth was anything but insulting. I liked it better when she wasn't here.

"Bye, mom."

"Bye," she said looking back down at her nails.

I snapped back to reality and looked at the fridge. I grabbed another beer and drank it right from the can. Drink, drink.

_You have no excuse._

I finished it and opened up another one.

_Boys don't like flat-chested wannabes. _

I grabbed another one and downed it.

"Hey, are those my beers?" came a voice.

I froze as I dropped my fourth empty can. I looked up and saw Adam. He was smiling.

"Uh…uh, I'm so sorry, I – "

He laughed, "Don't worry about it. Girl like you should get a drink or two," he said winking again. He grabbed two more, handing one to me, "Come walk with me."

I took the can and walked behind him, not being able to believe what was going on.

He walked down a corridor. A laundry room and bathroom were on the sides and at the very end was another door leading to the outside. He turned before the end to a door and opened it. It was a den, with a desk and bookcases full of hundreds of books. There was a little couch on the side.

"Wow," I said wondering how there was a room that wasn't empty.

"Yeah…it's one of the rule's of Whitney's party that you can't go into her dad's office."

"This is Whitney's house?" I said opening up my can.

He nodded, taking a sip of his.

I started sipping the beer and sat down on the couch. I felt my head start to get a little dizzy. I felt nice. I'd never been drunk, I'd had drinks with Peyton but we'd never actually gotten drunk. This was weird. But nice.

He sat down beside me and I smelt his cologne. It gave me shivers.

"Why are you dating her," I asked bluntly, surprised at myself. I started to understand why people said so many stupid things when they were drunk in the movies.

He smiled, looking down at me, "We kind of met when we were freshman, we were really good friends… she became a cheerleader, and became who she is now. She didn't always used to be like this, she was nice and kind."

"Ha!" I said and took a gulp of beer when I realized I'd said it out loud, I started blushing.

"You're really cute when you blush."

I smiled looking down, my hair falling in front of my face. He took one of my strands nad tucked it behind my ear. I looked up, alarmed. But his eyes seduced me all over again.

"We're not really together anymore, haven't been in a while. I just watch her…take care of her," he said and I felt my heart melting.

He then bent lower and I looked into his eyes, our noses were almost touching.

"You're kinda beautiful, you know?" he said staring at me.

I smiled, not shying away. Wow, alcohol was amazing, "You're kinda cute," I replied.

He smiled and leaned in, his lips touching mine. I kissed back, I was pretty sure I knew what I was doing. He was amazing at it, I felt it everywhere, my chest, my toes. He then pushed farther and was on top of me, but he kept his weight off. He was kissing me, and kissing me. I couldn't explain how I felt in that moment, the only thing that made sense, or describe it was… I felt like magic


	6. relapse

THE THIEF

I stood in my room painting my toenails and fingernails a brilliant shade of red. There was a big party tonight at one of the basketball boy's houses. I was supposed to go with Peyton but her and Nathan had had a fight early this morning, which meant they were having makeup sex right about…now.

It was cool, Peyton always being with Nathan, but it got lonely, really fast. I mean I had other friends, the cheerleading squad and everything but Peyton was my only…real friend. She was the only person I told things to, things that actually meant something. Instead of gossiping about the latest fashion or Hollywood story. Peyton actually knew me, knew about my parents, what my favourite type of cookie was and that I loved the smell of fire. She knew more than what I wore and how I looked. We'd grown up together and no friendship I made now would ever compete.

I put down the nail polish and picked up my cell phone dialling her number.

"Hey it's Peyton, leave a message," came the voice mail.

I groaned and hung it up. I guess I was going to this party alone. I was pissed. And being pissed and drinking was never a good thing when it came to me.

Half hour later my hair was curled, my makeup was perfect and I was wearing a short jean skirt and a black halter top. All I wanted was a guy to the waste the night with, and if all went well I'd get it, and morning would be here and a new day would come, hopefully with better things. I opened up my bedside dresser and looked at all my full, empty and half empty bottles. I left it in an obvious spot, it was hidden underneath my socks in a drawer, it was right there. One slide open and bottles and bottles of alcohol were there. Peach Snopps. Vodka. Rum. Gin. Whiskey. Still my mom never noticed, even if I left them all over my desks and tabletops I don't think she would. I looked at the drawer again deciding. Any poison was my poison. I grabbed a bottle of Jack Daniels and speculated it. Yeah, this would make it a good night. I took an empty water bottle and poured it to the top with the light brown liquor. I sealed the cap and walked down the stairs.

My house was silent, dark and creepy. Like usual. My dad had a business trip and my mom had flown out to see him. No surprise there. I saw my dad maybe one weekend of the month, I don't think he'd even know what grade I was in if he was asked. I wandered what he said about me when people asked if he had a daughter. He probably just lied and said he didn't, I know my mother did.

An hour later I was at the party. My water bottle was empty and left on the ground at some point along the walk and I was past feeling the familiar buzz I lost myself in. It felt good.

I walked into the house and was greeted by screams of "Brooke!" and "Davis!". I smiled and waved, heading straight to the kitchen.

As I walked inside I looked at the floors. They were all tiled, green and white. I could feel my buzz hitting me again and again as I stumbled and hit someone.

"Oh, sorry there," came a squeaky voice.

I looked up, or should I say down, at some guy I'd never seen before.

"Are you alright?" he asked.

I kept staring at him, lifting an eyebrow. Since when did guys think they could just _talk _to me?

"S-should I get you…something to drink?" he said, stuttering. He was getting nervous underneath my stare. That made me smile.

"Who are you?" I asked still smiling.

"Um… my friends call me Mouth."

I burst out laughing, probably a bit too loud but who really cared. He smiled and looked down blushing.

"This is my first … I mean my real name's – " he began.

"Yeah, yeah," I said taking the untouched beer from his hand and walking out of the kitchen.

I walked into the living room and was immediately jumped by Tim.

"Looking gorgeous as always, Ms. Davis," he said winking.

"Get away from me," I replied, as I took a sip of my beer.

Tim burst out laughing, "Slur much? Maybe you should put that one down," he said motioning to my beer.

I looked at him questioningly. Had I stuttered?

I started looking around the room for anybody. There were guys everywhere; most of them were staring at me, whatever I was used to it. I'd worked hard to get here, to the top.

"Is there a hot-tub?" I asked Tim and noticed than that it sounded like, "Ish there a hotdub?"

"Yes, there is," he said putting his arm around my waist.

I wiggled out of it and shot my hand in the air, "Who wants to hot tub!" I screamed.

A bunch of the guys cheered, some of the cheerleaders came running. I laughed.

We all jogged outside to the patio and hot tub. I looked at my hand and saw that it was empty. I was at a loss as to where my beer had gone.

I pulled off my top and slid out of my mini skirt. I immediately felt a hand behind my lower back. I then felt the body brush up against me, it wasn't Tiny Tim, that was for sure. I smiled, this was more like it.

I just pulled him into the hottub, not looking back to see who it was. I got in and sat down laughing as a bunch of others joined. I then closed my eyes and turned to the guy. Kissing him first on the side of the cheek, he laughed and he sounded gorgeous, so I aimed for his mouth.

He tasted like Cigars and Beer and it was delicious. I kissed him and felt his hands wandering and I didn't stop them. I was drunk and at a party, it didn't really matter. I put my hands on his chest, feeling his muscles tighten and loosen as he pulled me closer. I smiled under our kisses as they became soft and than hard and fast, over and over.

It was so much fun making out with someone when you had no idea who they even were, or what they looked like. Just using your senses of smell and taste. I'd started doing it a couple months ago when methods of physical appeal by eye got boring by the truckload of guys.

"Do you want to go upstairs?"

I smiled and nodded, still keeping my eyes closed. He then took my hand and I followed him, not caring that I was walking through many people in my bra and underwear. I walked through the door and felt the cold tiles on my feet. The music was louder in here, I started banging my head to the music. I was glad he was holding my hand because I think I'd fall over if something wasn't keeping me up. I was smiling and laughing with no one, with everyone. I had no idea if he was smiling or laughing. Who cared?

All of a sudden there were stairs. I screamed. I heard his chuckle. I then skipped up them from reflex, refusing to open my eyes up just yet.

And all of a sudden we were in a bed and he threw me on, climbing on top of me to kiss me. I giggled as he kissed my neck.

I opened my eyes.

I looked at him and my heart stopped. It was him, it was him.

He smiled down at me, his brown hair falling by his eyes.

_I think you look hot_.

Images came flashing, thousands of them through my head. I tensed up, I stopped moving.

"Hey," he said looking down at me, concern in his eyes.

His voice hit me and I looked up at him again. It wasn't him. Now that I looked he didn't look like him at all except the hair. God I was drunk.

"I got, I got to go," I said feeling my voice shake. I was shaking, and sweating.

"Oh come on, don't be a tease," he said. I kept staring at him and realized I recognized him, he was on the basketball team. One of the boys that sat on the bench while Nathan tore up the gym floor night after night. Jason something.

"Fuck off," I said pushing him off me. I grabbed a towel hanging on the door and tied it around me running down the hallway. I felt tears prickling my eyes.

_You're really cute when you blush_.

I reached the stairs and started running down, holding onto the railing for dear life. I then skipped a step at the bottom and fell running into someone. I looked to see it was the guy from before, The Mouth one.

"Hey, are you okay?" he asked, concerned.

I gave him a big smile and pushed past him heading for the door.

I got outside and breathed in the air. I heard laughter and looked around and saw a group of people staring at me in awe.

"You're the man, Brooke!" someone shouted.

They were cheering for me. Like I was some hero. I gave them a big fake smile but they were probably too drunk to understand the panic behind it. They all laughed some more and walked into the house. I turned around frantically. Where the hell was I? Where was my house? Where the _fuck _was I?

_You're kinda beautiful, you know?_

I then turned to see a familiar car pull up. Peyton walked out of the car accompanied by Nathan in his usual Basketball coat. She was laughing with him and they were holding hands. Yep, definitely make up sex… give them the twenty minute grace period before they were fighting.

She looked up and saw me and stopped.

"Brooke?" she called. She let go of his hand and jogged over to me, "Brooke! What the hell?" she screamed.

I looked at her pleadingly and then pushed her away as I puked all over the grass. I fell on to my knees. Peyton got down on her knees beside me.

Nathan looked down at me, "Nice…well you have fun with that," he said to Peyton.

"Nathan!" she yelled.

"Not my fault your friend's an idiot."

"Can you at least – " she began.

"Nathan!" screamed a bunch of girl voices. And he disappeared into the house.

"Asshole," Peyton said under her breath. I looked up at her, "Feel better?" she asked me.

I mumbled something.

"Mind telling me why you're in your bra and underwear, wrapped in a towel?"

I started crying, out of nowhere.

She sighed and pulled me up to my feet and walked me to the car. She opened the back door and I fell across the backseats lying down.

And it all went black.


	7. mine

THE THIEF

**mine**

I should've been nervous, a million times more nervous than I had been for the first day but I wasn't. I wasn't scared of her.

"Okay girls, line up," yelled Whitney, of course she was the fucking cheerleading captain.

So I stood with Peyton beside me in a row with what felt like hundreds of other girls.

"This is just another teen movie after another," Peyton whispered to me.

I laughed under my breath.

Whitney started walking down the line. Looking girls up and down, pointing out their good traits, but mostly their flaws. She got to Peyton.

"Blonde, always good," she said flipping her long shiny blonde hair behind her shoulder, "Skinny too," she said nodding approval.

_Not all of us can not be able to gain weight no matter how many pizzas or chips we eat_. I thought bitterly thinking of Peyton, she was better now the depression and eating disorder phase hadn't lasted. She was healthy and slim and could eat three pints of ice cream a day and still not gain a pound.

She stood in front of me. I didn't flinch or look away. I looked her straight in the eye, she cocked an eyebrow.

"Well if it isn't…"

"Brooke Davis," I answered firmly.

_I know something you don't know_, I thought proudly.

"Yeah, whatever."

She looked me up and down, "You could lose a little weight you know," she said staring at my waist.

I didn't flinch. My weight had always been an issue, having a skinny, bitch for a mom and an even skinnier best friend was a harsh world to live in. But I knew I wasn't fat and I knew I didn't have to lose weight, I wasn't born with their body shapes. It was hard standing next to Peyton. She would always be the no hips, skinny legs, small boobs, small shouldered girl and I would be the one with boobs and hips.

"I'd rather not be anorexic, thanks," I said and heard a couple of the freshman take an intake of breath. I smiled at Whitney.

"Oh, honey don't worry. You're not even close to reaching that status," she said smiling sweetly.

"And you're not even close to getting out of it," I quipped.

A couple girls laughed and she narrowed her eyes at me. She looked at all the giggling freshman and they immediately shut up.

The try outs went well. I did the splits, I did my jumps, I cheered loud and I could tell the seniors were impressed, maybe not Whitney. But I knew that one day this would be my team. Peyton kept up well and I knew she'd make it to.

After we changed, Peyton and I started walking home.

"So are you going to tell me what the hell has gotten into you!" she said shaking me happily.

I laughed, "Nothing special."

"Don't lie to me, I mean I know you're the bitchy, loud obnoxious type but you've been a lost child when it comes to…well people."

"Maybe I've just been waiting to truly break out of my shell," I said, winking.

She laughed and we kept walking.

The truth was I was still a little lost child. I didn't know who I was, what I wanted to be, I didn't have parents and I only had one friend. But I still felt like magic and I knew why, I had something over Whitney and it made me feel older and stronger and better. I could be anything I wanted here, I had the potential to be anything.

--

* * *

--

I filled myself with giddiness, the feeling you had when you thought of his smile, of his eyes. I thought of our kisses and touches and smiled to myself, alone in my dark, quiet room. Even though my house was empty, I didn't feel alone. There was something about meeting someone that means something to you, someone you actually care about, someone you could see yourself falling for. For the first time. There was something about it that made you feel complete, made you feel like a hole you never knew was there was now filled.

Being able to look back at all the boys, all the drunken kisses and forgotten nights, makes you just shake your head and realize that this is what people are talking about. This feeling. Feeling like you'll fall apart, and then thinking of them and pulling yourself together. It was invincible, it made me feel strong. I wouldn't show him the real me yet, I'd let him believe I was the girl everyone thought I was…and then slowly I would show him the pieces, show him the hidden parts of who I was. And he'd see I was more than a slutty cheerleader, I was a person with dreams and goals.

I closed my eyes in my bed, still smiling. It was amazing.

But although, it felt like first times, deep down in my heart I knew it wasn't. I knew there'd been a time where I'd been giddy, where I'd thought I was in love, a time where one boy filled every thought and dream of mine. A time where a boy was _everything _to me. And although, I tried to push it away it was always with me, and so the feelings mirrored and I dreamt of him, remembering.

Even though I tried so hard to forget.

--

* * *

"We made it! We made it!" I screamed looking at the cheerleading list.

"Woo," Peyton said unenthusiastically.

"Oh come on, now you'll get to be with Nathan!"

"Stop it!" she snapped and as if on cue Nathan walked by with a couple of his basketball mates towards the gym doors. They looked over at the group of girls that had surrounded the piece of paper hung up on the gym board. He stared at me, as usual, almost every boy in our grade did, and then he turned and looked at Peyton. And although she didn't move or flinch, and although no words were exchanged, I felt something alter. And I knew then that something had changed. He then turned away laughing at some joke with his team mates and disappearing through the doors.

She looked at me and smiled, "Let's go!" she said motioning towards the gym where our first practice was about to be held.

"In a sec," I said winking.

She shrugged and opened the doors into the Ravens Gym, going inside. I smiled and turned around heading down a hallway towards the left wing. I turned the last corner and saw him standing there, leaning against the lockers so effortlessly, yet he still somehow made me stop in my tracks. His brown locks falling in his eyes as he looked down at his cell phone.

He looked up and saw me, a crooked smile spreading on his face. He looked around and saw that we were alone. He opened the janitor closet door and went inside.

I felt my heart lift. I giggled happily and jogged over. I opened the door and stared at him staring at him, as he looked at me with nothing other than one feeling: want.

He smiled and put his two large hands on my shoulders, soaring me towards his chest. I was a bit below his shoulders; he made me feel tiny and pretty. I looked up at him and blushed by the intensity of his eyes, looking down. He hugged me, smelling my hair.

I looked up to tell him my news but no words came out as his mouth found mine.


	8. fade

s t a r l i g h t

**fade**

It was one night, a couple parties later that it all really started. Peyton hadn't been talking about it much, but I knew it was because she didn't want me making a big deal out of it. But I knew how she felt, it didn't take a rocket scientist to try and understand why so many of her drawings and art was becoming more love based instead of the usual depression genre she drew.

We were at the party and for some reason Peyton was into it that night. When I'd gotten to her house to get ready she'd already downloaded a bunch of songs that were playing radio. Ones that I loved (ones that she hated). And we were dancing around her room. She put on a gorgeous green shiny tank top. It was dressy, on me it would've looked normal but on Peyton it looked so out of character that she looked absolutely stunning. Her hair was straightened for the first time in years, she'd actually let me take an iron to it.

"Okay, ready?" I asked as we finished up our last touches. Peyton jumped out of the bathroom and I looked at everything lying on her. She didn't look like the Peyton I knew, she looked even better. She'd actually done something with herself instead of throwing on whatever black band shirt was clean.

"Ready," she said smiling.

* * *

When we got to the party we took the usual red, plastic cups and beer appeared inside them. We stood talking to a bunch of the usual girls and I saw Peyton stop and look over at something behind me. I turned around seeing Nathan walk in with a bunch of his teammates.

I smiled knowingly and turned back around.

"Oops!" I squealed as I dropped my cup on the ground.

A bunch of the girls jumped back.

"I am so clumsy when I drink!" I yelled, "Hey, P Sawyer, let's go get me another!" I said winking. She looked at me and immediately her eyes became nervous as her eyes went back and forth between Nathan and I. I smiled and mouthed, "Come on. You'll be fine."

She nodded, "Okay!"

I grabbed her hand and dragged her away from the other girls, "You look effin sexy, you are Peyton Sawyer, queen of the world. He wants you," I said as she continued staring behind me at him. I turned around and we started walking towards the house, soon approaching the group of basketball boys.

He was in the middle of telling a story, his hands were in the air, probably retelling the story of one of their games. We still hadn't gotten a chance to cheer yet, apparently how we looked and our talent mattered more to Whitney then actually cheering our boys on, she claimed we weren't ready.

But as we walked by he stopped, hands still waving he lost track of whatever he was saying and he simply stared. And I knew it wasn't at me, but the beautiful blonde walking right next to me. It was only for a few seconds, and his train of thought came back to him but even after he continued telling his story, the guys druling off every word, his eyes remained on her.

We disaspeared into the house.

"Did you see that?" I exclaimed.

Peyton turned to me, eyebrows furrowed, "See what?"

"Are you kidding me!"

"What!" she screamed.

"He was staring at you! I mean _staring _at you, staring at you. Like you were Cinderella or something!"

"He was not!"

"How did you not see!"

"Because I didn't want to look and have him catch me staring at him! How embarrassing!"

"How is that embarrassing! You guys could've totally eye fucked!"

"Ew, Brooke! I stare at him all the time, he probably knows too. Argh – "

"Hey," came a new voice.

We both turned to see Nathan staring at us.

"Peyton, right?" he said staring at her.

"Y-yeah," she replied.

"I'm Nathan," he said, putting our his hand. Peyton shook it awkwardly.

"I know," she replied.

He noticed her empty cup, "Here I'll grab you a drink," he said walking over the fridge and pulling out a beer can.

"Oh my god, oh my god," Peyton started muttering over and over.

"Sh!" I squealed, "Okay, he's coming back. BYE!"

"Broo – Hey, thanks," she said as Nathan handed her the can.

I remember returning to to the house and turning to stare at them, seeing them talking and feeling my heart shake when I saw Peyton's smile, because it wasn't the one that everyone saw at school or at games, it was the one she saved for the people that meant something to her, the one she'd hardly used since her mother had walked out the front door and never come home.

* * *

I smiled to myself, remembering. Those were the parts of my past that I didn't mind thinking about, reminiscing in. Because they were the tiny moments, the tiny sparks that kept me going through everything, the times when I believed that everything would be alright.

"…and do you have the answer, Ms. Davis?"

I looked up.

"Um…"

"Daydreaming again, that's not such a good quality for a Class President," snipped Mr. Abram.

The class tittered and Brooke shrugged, smiling.

"Does anyone else have the answer?"

He called on someone else and I went back to day dreaming. Did anyone have the answers? No. Some questions won't ever be resolved, due to there being no solution or due to simply refusing to acknowledge that there is an answer buried deep within.

I looked behind me at Peyton. She was so close, yet she was farther away then she'd ever been. We weren't speaking but as I stared at her I pined for her comfort, for her love, for anything. She knew me better than I knew myself, she was the one to finish my sentences and say things like "that's not like you" or "you wouldn't do that", say things that made me realize that yeah she was right. It scared me to think that somebody knew me so well. I mean, no one had ever known me. My mom hadn't bothered getting to know her daughter and some days I forgot what my dad looked like.

I'd found that person, that best friend, the one who loves you for exactly who you are, rain or shine. The one you could say anything to and everything was still alright. The one that understands despite everything, the one seeing you through every type of day you could have. Being there to hold your hand, drink it off, everything.

I stared at her, feeling tears prick my eyes as I longed to reach out to her, for her just to touch my hand and know everything, I wanted to be close with her again. But we weren't close and I didn't know if we'd ever be. Everything that happened, Lucas. It was all too much and it still scared me because I knew that the people you loved most were the ones that made you the most vulnerable. Lucas and Peyton had been my world, before they'd crashed and she'd help it fall apart. And now I was alone.

I looked at her. Her hat bending over her eyes, her hair a mess, wearing black. It was back to the old days, grade nine again. She was drawing, not paying attention, sitting at the back of the class. She was the old Peyton that I tried so hard to fix, and now looking at her I felt so helpless, because the way we were now, I didn't know if I could fix it anymore.

The bell rang and she looked up, looking relieved. I saw her eyes flicker and I turned around quickly, refusing to make eye contact. I was scared to death of what lied in her eyes. I didn't want to see the pain anymore, I didn't want anything to hurt anymore.

All I wanted was my best friend back. I wanted her to come up to me and tell me she loved me and she was sorry. I wanted it all to go back to how it used to be. I needed it to.

I knew the only way we could be friends again, was if I told her everything. I didn't know if I could, sometimes a secret becomes more than a secret when it's been kept for so long. It becomes some sort of dark hole that disappears and fades only to return in blinding lights. Some days were better than others, but memories never really did **fade**.


	9. memories

**my apologies for taking so long to write. enjoy.**

* * *

**memories**

I went home after that day.

No, I went to my house after that day.

If you're all alone and photographs are the only thing that remind you that you have a family is it even a home?

I went up to my room and sat on my bed staring at my closet. I knew what was inside, I knew it and as I stared I contemplated, thinking of the cons and the pros and everything else that would come with walking to that door, opening it and finding _it. _But even as I sat trying to make a decision, I knew my decision had already been made.

I got up and opened the closet, flicking the switch that turned on the light. Everything flashed and I blinked my eyes. I had two closets here, at least my so-called parents had given me that. This was stuff that I'd left to be forgotten. Clothes and shirts and figurines and shoes and most of all, memories. Things that I'd wanted buried and the way I decided I could do it was to place them in here. There were pictures of Lucas and I on the top shelf, there were sweaters from some of my Aunts that I hadn't seen in years, sweaters I would've be caught dead in. There was pictures of Peyton and I, an entire photo album that I'd placed in here the second we'd fought, and…broken up I guess.

I grabbed the album and walked out of the closet, freeing myself from things I didn't want to remember. I sat on my bed and flipped through the pictures.

One of us when we were seven. I have chocolate cake all over my face and she's holding it in her hands, both of us giggling as we looked at each other.

One of us at a cottage, our arms around each other, smiling.

One taken on our first day of juniour high, me wearing way too much black eyeliner and Peyton looking skinnier than ever.

And one from this year, just us looking how we looked now.

There were tons more, but as the pictures became blurry I realized that I couldn't look at them anymore. I closed the book and put it aside, trying to wipe away my tears. I looked up, back at the closet and started crying harder.

Because I knew the reason I went inside that closet wasn't to get that photo album, no that had been a temporary escape from what really lied there, waiting for me.

I got up and walked shaky steps to the closet. I looked down at the corner, it was almost hidden…it was hidden. By a pair of old jeans hanging down.

But I knew the box was there.

I collapsed, and slid down against the wall, peeking at it through the corner of my eye.

I moved my arms, knowing if I strung this out any longer it would just make everything worse.

I grabbed it and held it in my hands, an old shoe box. I opened it and it all came back at me every memory.

The first time I saw him the very first day of high school.

The first time he kissed me.

The day he swung me on the swing set.

The day he…

I leafed through the memories.

A rose.

A movie ticket.

A ping pong ball.

An old Fruitopia Can.

A bandana.

Objects that meant _nothing _to anyone, but things that meant _everything _to me.

I looked at the photo booth pictures, at the ones I'd taken at arm length of us, smiling. The one where he's looking at me smiling, like there is no place he'd rather be.

The tears came as the memories came, all the good ones. All the ones that made my heart skip, the ones that made me want to just run to him, to feel safety in his arms once again.

But then the pain struck, and I felt myself crumble as all the other memories came flooding back.

* * *

_"I am in love with you, Brooke Davis," he said looking at me straight in the eye._

_My heart stuttered as I realized the magnitude of his words. The fact that some human being on this plan had uttered the words, "I love you,". To me, to me._

_"I love you too Jared Blake."_

_He kissed me then and I felt his hand immediately feel for my bra-strap. It was gone, then came the pants. Then came it all, and as I replayed the same thing he said over and over, I am in love with you Brooke Davis, over and over. A euphoria, everything else that happened wasn't really happening because all that in my mind were those 8 words that had marked me, changed my forever. I would never be the same after this, I felt myself falling._

* * *

_"What do you mean you can't come?" he said, angry._

"_It's Peyton's birthday, so we're going out for dinner," I replied, trying not to stutter. I hated when he was mad._

_"Brooke, this game means a lot to me, I want you there."_

"_Jared, honestly I'd love to go but it's my best friend's birthday. I mean I talked to Whitney and she said it was fine."_

_"I don't give a shit about Whitney," he spat. I felt myself back up as far as I could on the loveseat in my living room, "Or Peyton for that matter."_

_"Come on, I'll come see you after or something," I said, stroking his leg, praying my words would calm him down._

_He flicked my hand off,"What, you think you can just pick me up and drop me? See me when you want?" he screamed._

_I winced, "Jared I –"_

"_Be there," he said firmly, as he got up and walked out my door._

* * *

_I hugged Peyton as she left my house, still smiling from the records I'd gotten her for her birthday. Thank god, the guy at the Record Store knew her taste in music. She waved and started her walk home. I was about to close my door when I noticed a familiar truck sitting at the end of my neighbour's driveway. _

_Jared._

_My mind reminded me, I smiled inside. He missed me._

_I jogged over smiling, until I saw his face. I'd debated turning around, but I knew that would've been impossible._

_I got in the passenger seat, looking down, refusing to meet his eyes._

"_Look at me," he ordered._

_My head shot up so fast I thought my neck would break. His angry eyes bored into me, he was still wearing his jersey. There were a couple of beers at my feet. They'd lost._

_"Where the hell were you?"_

"_I-I told you. It was Peyton's birthday."_

_"So you don't call me and tell me you're not coming? I was fucking looking for you!"_

"_I didn't want to upset you, I didn't want to ruin your pre-game, I didn't want – "_

_I stopped._

_And just like that, everything changed, but it was nothing like our first spoken I love you's._

_I touched my face, and felt the heat that had raced to it from where his hand had just struck. I could feel myself trembling._

_I looked up at him, silent tears coming down my face, expecting to see the angry eyes again, I was ready this time, the blow wouldn't be as bad._

_But his eyes were full of tears._

"_I'm so sorry, babe, I'm so sorry," he said grabbing me, so gently and pulling me into his arms as he muttered it over and over._

_"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I love you, I love you."_

* * *

My cell phone buzzed and I came to. My face was covered in tears. I was shaking uncontrollably as I started to sob.

My thoughts were coming in spurts, images were flashing, nothing was making sense. Nothing had ever made sense about that day, about that life, it felt like so long ago.

I had loved him, I know I had. I had loved him with everything in me, he had been my anchor. And none of his flaws had mattered because he had been there wanting me as much as I'd wanted him. I excused everything he did because at the end of the day I love you trumped all. He'd given me some sort of security that I'd searched for my whole life, a hole opened by my parent's abandonment, filled, I'd been whole again.

And with those three words I had given him every part of me, and I was willing every time. And I'll never know, I don't know if he ever loved me, if I'd ever meant anything to him other than a faceless body that held his hand. I held my sides tighter as I wondered if he'd ever even cared about me at all. And it hurt that I'd given so much, so much of myself to someone who I'd never really known, someone who hadn't gotten up and left me… I winced as the memory came.

* * *

_"I can't do this."_

"_Do what?" I asked, knowing exactly what this was._

_"Everything is so screwed up, I don't want to do this to you."_

"_Do what to me…"_

_"This, I'm just going to fuck you up too, and you'll be like me. You don't ever want to be like me."_

_"Stop, Jared, please stop."_

"_No, Brooke listen to me. I can't do this to you, you think I'm hurting you in the short term but I'm… I see it as protecting you from me, I don't want to hurt you."_

_"You're hurting me," I whispered._

"_No Brooke – "_

_"You're breaking up with me…"_

"_Don't you see? Can't you see how screwed up this is? I'm fucking upset all the time, nothing helps it, nothing."_

_I cringed at his words, nothing made him feel better? Not even me? _

"_I swear you'll get better, okay? We'll fix this together, I'll be there with you every step, just please don't do this, I love you, please Jared," I said as the tears started falling._

_"No, we can't. I won't drag you down with me, I won't do this to you."_

"_Don't do this, don't do this."_

_He got up, "I'm sorry Brooke, I'm sorry."_

_I was shaking, my world was falling apart. I was running everywhere trying to grab the pieces, trying to piece it all back together, but it was too much, I couldn't do it by myself. I couldn't do this by myself._

_"Don't leave me," I whispered quietly, it still sounded like a scream._

_He looked at me, pain in his eyes, "Brooke –"_

_"What am I going to do, what am I going to do?" I repeated, the shock sinking in, "I have nothing here. I have no one, I am all alone. I am all alone," I said, rocking._

_He sat back down, "Brooke – "_

_I was in a daze, he was leaving me. Everybody left me. _

_I stopped and looked him straight in the eye, "Please don't leave me."_

_He opened his mouth but no sound came out, instead he got up and walked away, never looking back as I crumbled to the floor._

* * *

_"Brooke, we're going to the movies."_

"_No."_

_"Yes, we are. Jesus, look at you. I mean I know he meant a lot to you, but he's an asshole okay?"_

_"Says the girl dating Nate "fuck anyone with a vagina" Scott," I muttered._

"_I'm going o pretend like I didn't hear that," Peyton said absentmindedly. We both knew how screwed up her and Nate's relationship had got, but she never talked about it, "We're going." _

_We got to the theatres, I don't know how she got me there but she did._

"_Okay, tickets bought, popcorn bought. Here," she said handing it to me, "I gotta go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."_

_I sat, numb as always, holding the popcorn and drink, outside the bathroom as she disappeared._

_I looked around the place, everything was ordinary. People laughing, smiling, running around, talking animatedly about the movies they had seen. They all blended together even though they were all so different. I kept looking and stopped when I recognized a figure._

_My heart stopped._

_Jared walked in._

_I couldn't breathe. There was no air._

_He wasn't alone, a girl was holding his hand._

_I looked down to see that the popcorn and drink were no longer in my hands but scattered on the floor. I think people were laughing and screaming at me but I didn't know, I didn't care. _

_It wasn't just a girl. It was Whitney and I watched as he kissed her on her temple, the way he'd always done with me._

_I felt my legs shake but I was suddenly hauled into the bathroom by a pair of skinny arms. _

_I collapsed into Peyton as the tears came._

* * *

**please review**

* * *


	10. first sight

**Disclaimer: I have changed the story, the way she meets characters and such, it's not exactly like the TV show, just letting you know. Hope you're enjoying the story, sorry it's taking me so long to update. Please keep reviewing )**

* * *

**First sight**

I liked him.

I really, really liked him.

He wasn't like the others I'd dated. He'd been damaged, he'd been hurt by others in his past, just like I had. He had been disappointed, he had lost.

He liked me, a lot.

But _he's _always there… my first. And he will forever be a part of me, even when I wished for him to disappear, to forget him. He was every bad occurrence in a relationship, all in one. I had learned every lesson I could, so young. And although people said that made you stronger, I felt just as weak as always.

I liked Chase, so much.

But I was so scared I wouldn't be enough. It shook me to give myself to another again. I'd been hurt by Lucas…others, I'd been destroyed by Jared. How do you give out something that you stopped believing in so long ago?

I stopped believing in love. How could it exist?

I had no parents.

My best friend and I didn't talk anymore.

The guys I'd dated had left me, just like the others.

I wanted to be with Chase, give him every part of me. But every image of love had been shattered or broken in my life, every relationship. I was a bad luck charm. I didn't want to hurt anyone else… I don't want to hurt anymore.

There was a knock on my door and I jumped. I got up from my couch, pushed down my skirt and walked to the door, where he stood.

"Hello Ms. Davis," he said smiling.

I smiled and jumped into him, his arms came around me, fears subsiding for a bit of time, I felt so safe in his arms.

It was a couple of months ago, the first time I saw Chase.

I was late.

* * *

"_Hey, mom," I said as I walked into the kitchen and spotted her drinking coffee and reading the paper._

_She didn't look up, I knew she'd heard me though. _

"_Guess what I won?" I exclaimed. I'd won Class President a couple weeks ago but she hadn't been home, I didn't really know why she was now but I never really asked questions._

_"Mom?"_

"_What?" she asked annoyed._

_I stared at her and she gave a big sigh. Like I was annoying the hell out of her. She looked at me expectantly, I knew I only had a few seconds before her attention span would disappear, I was taking up some of her precious time, I should be honoured._

_"What did you win?" she snapped, "Hm…let's see. I know it's not an academic award… and cheerleading, well if you won something for that it's meaningless…so I honestly have no idea."_

_I was in shock. I couldn't believe it, I just stared at her. She looked back at me evenly, like there was nothing wrong with what she just said._

_"Well?" she prompted._

_Then came a couple footsteps and a man walked through the door, doing up his tie. For a second I thought it was just another man, my mom was stupid if she thought I didn't know about them. But then I realized it was my dad._

_"We're going to be late," my dad exclaimed motioning to my mom reading the newspaper and coffee._

_He looked over at me and nodded, "Brooke." _

_I stared at him. I hadn't seen him in months, I couldn't remember the last time I'd seen him…, I didn't even recognize him. Grey hairs were invading his hair line, scruff was cluttering his face and there was black circles under his eyes._

_"Brooke" was all I'd gotten. No hug, no smile, just a nod._

"_You're an asshole," I muttered angrily and began walking away._

_"What did you just say to me?" he roared and I turned to see his expression enraged. But I wasn't scared, I had so little respect for this stranger I didn't matter if I'd said mean things, it didn't matter at all._

_"You heard me," I said and I continued walk away._

"_Brooke Davis, get back in here!" my mother yelled._

_I walked to the door, put on my flats and grabbed my backpack._

"_Oh and I won Class President. Does that mean anything?" I said opening the door and slamming it. I ran down my sidewalk and started sprinting down my street. I couldn't breathe. I kept running faster, not caring how stupid I probably looked sprinting in a skirt and tank top._

_I ran around a corner and slammed into someone. We both fell to the ground together._

_"Whoa!" he screamed._

_I opened my eyes and looked at the clouds, taking deep breaths. _

_"In a rush?" the guy asked, he got up and looked down at his attacker. Looked down at me. His expression changed immediately, "Are you okay?"_

_I sat up and touched my eyes, they were wet. I wasn't sure if it was from the wind or if I was bawling. I couldn't think straight. I had a thousand things running through my head, I just wanted comfort, I just wanted _him. _I just wanted him to wish it all away like he always had. _

_"Hey…" he repeated, searching for my name, I didn't give it to him._

_I ignored him, grabbing my bag, stuffed the books that had fallen out of it and stood up. I started walking and was happy he didn't follow me. I could feel his eyes boring into my back as he stood dumbstruck._

_But I didn't matter because I was only thinking of one thing._

_Jared._

_Jared._

_Jared._

_Jared._

* * *

_"Alright, class settle down. We have a new student, instead of making him stand in front of the class and give a forced and awkward speech about himself I thought I'd just fill you in with his name, Chase," said Mr. Hiccocks. _

_I looked up and saw the boy. The one I'd crashed into._

_He was blushing as he stood in front of the class._

_"Well, I think it's best if you get a tour of the school. I don't think you'll miss much for fifteen minutes," Mr. Hiccocks looked around the class and his eyes landed on me, I wish I could dissaspear, "Ah, Brooke Davis. Head cheerleader and Class President, I think you'd be the perfect person to give a tour._

_Chase's eyes roamed around the classroom, following Mr. Hiccocks eyes. He looked at me and I saw the recognition._

_"Ms. Davis?" Mr. Hiccocks repeated._

_I smiled, my usual-fake smile and stood up, grabbing my bag, "Sure, I'd love to."_

_Chase watched me in wonderment as he followed me out the door._

_We walked down the hall towards the gym. I stopped abruptly and turned around to stare at him. I wasn't in the mood for conversation, or a tour, or anything. I just wanted to be alone with my thoughts._

_He stopped to and stared at me, debating whether he should bring up our incident this morning. He opened his mouth and closed it. _

_Smart boy, I thought._

"_This is the gym," I said pointing to the giant doors that read "The Raven's Nest" over them. I pointed down the hall, "The office and cafeteria are down that way. There are lockers and classrooms and exits everywhere."_

_He still stood staring at me._

"_I'm leaving, have a great day," I said walking away from him, for the second time that day, I pushed open the doors and felt the breeze hit me, I took a deep breath that quickly turned into a sob. I fumbled in my bag to get my phone, I opened it quickly and started texting._

_Please, I miss you so much. _

_I typed in _his_ number and stopped, staring at the screen._

_I snapped my phone shut, the message lay forgotten and unsent._

* * *

_I sat in the park two streets over from my house. Under my favourite giant willow tree, crying._

_I'd just turned sixteen, my birthday was now over as my phone showed 12:09m. No messages, no calls, no cards, nothing._

_My parents had forgotten. _

_I heard footsteps and someone touch my arm. I screamed and felt more tears stream down my face._

_"Hey, hey," came his soft voice._

_I looked up to see Jared's concerned eyes looking down at me._

_He put his arms around me and I stared to cry harder._

"_Baby, what's wrong? It's your birthday, you shouldn't be crying." he asked, making circles with his fingers on my back._

_"T-they forgot me."_

_He pulled me in tighter. And I felt my body relax as I felt the unusual feeling of someone who loved me touch me, and hold me, Peyton couldn't be there all the time, she hardly had time for me anymore, I relaxed in his arms and fell asleep there, praying I'd never wake up. _


	11. peyton

**peyton**

**Sorry it's taken me so long everybody, hope you enjoy. Please comment and review.**

* * *

Things weren't perfect.

No, they were far from it.

Things were up and down like a roller coaster. Hot and cold. It was a mess.

But I think that's what made me hang on more than ever, I went through every hard, disappointing and painful moment just to live and breathe through the amazing and brilliant ones.

And when the happy ones came less and less, the memories of them filled my head more and more, how happy I _was_, was all I thought about. So I trudged through every thing he put me through.

Often Jared wouldn't answer my calls. He wouldn't answer my texts. I wouldn't see him at school and I'd have no idea what was going on. I'd be scared and frightened, just waiting for my phone to buzz. Even after a great night out he'd ignore me for days. But when he talked to me again he'd smile and say how nice it felt to have me care so much, to be right there, it was cute how I got so scared and rattled when I didn't answer. And then he'd kiss me and speak his beautiful words to me and I would be okay again, until the circle started again. and it always did.

I thought it was okay to keep taking him back… even though I still don't know if we were ever dating. Peyton did it with Nathan all the time, I never really even told her that Jared and I broke up, all she knew was that I liked him _a lot _and we hung out all the time. And it wasn't public.

I knew deep down Peyton was acting the exact same way I was. She was fighting for those moments she had in the beginning when everything was so high. She pushed through Nathan's constant partying, ignoring, rudeness and well, asshole-ness, for those few tiny moments where he looked her in the eyes and said he loved her. She up with shit, just like I did. And since I'd always found her so much stronger than I, the fact that she was still here after losing her mom, I thought it was okay if I did the same thing.

But it amazed me how much her relationship fell apart. Jared and mine was screwed up from the start. But her and Nathan had seemed perfect for each other.

* * *

_I picked up my phone, lonely on a Friday night, texting Peyton. _

_Hey, what are you doing?_

_A few minutes later my phone buzzed back._

_At Nathans, you?_

_Just at home… want to sleep over?_

_I can't leave…we just got back to normal. I don't want to make him mad. Sorry, see you tomorrow._

_I looked at my phone, unsurprised._

It amazed me how much her and Nathan's relationship had changed from the first night they'd talked, the first time Jared and I had spoken, to now. It'd been more than a year since that night.

Soon after the party they'd started dating, Nathan had asked her to go out and they had. Peyton had been so happy, a boy all to herself, a cute and popular one too. She always had her game face on but never with me.

_"Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!" she'd squealed as she'd appeared in my doorway._

_"What?" I asked putting the cap back on the nail polish I'd been using, putting it on my bedside dresser._

_"Nathan asked me out, we're going to a dinner and movie tonight!" she screamed._

_I looked at her, "I'm sorry, you seem to have me mistaken. I'm best friends with Peyton Sawyer, emo, broody extraordinaire…"_

_"Ha. Ha," she said sarcastically, "But seriously, he's picking me up here in two hours. What do I wear? What do I do?"_

_I smiled then, "Oh you've come to the right place," I said as I opened up my closet, immediately throwing out possible outfits._

She'd called me the second she'd gotten home, they'd ended up kissing on the way to the movies and had ended up not going at all. Instead finding a cozy bench in the forest by the River Court. Where they'd made out for hours.

After a couple more dates, they officially became a couple. Peyton always came to me with stories, or appearances in my bedroom, mouth swollen and lipstick smeared. Always smiling.

They stayed like that, carefree young and happy for a long time. The entire freshman year to be exact. The summer was just as great, Peyton spent the majority of it at Nathan's beach house. I'd gone to California to visit my parents but had heard of how great a time she was having through phone calls and emails. There were flowers, and all night talks and walks on the beach.

Then sophomore year came. And Nathan started getting playing time on the court. Coach Whitey finally noticed the talent he held, and after that moment. After the first time he played an entire quarter in their second game of the year, something changed.

Eventually the excited Peyton appearances and phone calls started happening less and less, until they stopped completely. I heard nothing of the two of them, but the old Peyton returned. She was moody, emo and angry a lot of the time.

I soon realized that she wasn't keeping anything from me, there was simply nothing to tell. There were no more movies or dates or flowers or beach houses. There was Nathan and basketball and whatever little time he had, left for Peyton. This would mean going to her house, fooling around and taking off, late at night.

After this became the ritual, the fighting began, probably about three months after the first day of grade ten. Everything was a fight, mostly because basketball season was becoming more and more intense, or maybe Nathan just was.. Peyton had told me briefly that Nathan's dad was a prick who pushed him way too hard, often Nathan would come to Peyton pissed off and angry from an argument with his father, projecting it all on to her. But she put up with it, every time.

All she'd really wanted was the Nathan she'd had before, the one who'd given her all the attention she deserved. Now all he showed any interest in was basketball, the gym and practicing his shot. He had basketball for two hours after school every day and he'd often go to the gym afterwards followed by a run at night. His only nights off from his own conditioning were game nights and still they ran late. Weekends were often full of tournaments and fundraisers and BBQs with the team, Peyton wasn't invited.

Then the parties started. All the basketball vets threw parties every Friday and Saturday or after winning game nights. Alcohol and drunk girls were common, and although it was expected for each basketball player to be at the parties, Nathan would've gone anyway.

I remember Peyton coming over to hang out with me and simply sitting sulkily watching TV, refusing to go out to do anything else. She simply watched the screen and looked at the clock and her phone. I'd asked what was up and she'd reply that Nathan said he was busy with family but she knew he was at a party; she was always waiting for his phone call. Not to speak cute good nights, but to yell at him for ditching her and for being an asshole. I don't think she ever really knew how it made me feel watching her angry self crumble her while I was right at arms reach. When I was desperate to grab on to anything.

Soon they began breaking up, and getting back together over and over. Dates weren't a rare luxury, they never happened, it was only going to each others houses or driving back and forth from games. I never knew when they were off on and on, you'd think I would, they'd be happy when they were together and angry when they were apart? Wrong. Peyton was always angry, Nathan didn't look any happier. Even when they were together they were fighting. Everything was a fight.

* * *

_"So you're at a party? Again?" she'd screamed in the phone one night while we sat in my room._

_"No, really I wouldn't care but you told me you were having dinner with your family. No that's bullshit, no I wouldn't be mad. I _just _said I wouldn't be mad, you can party, you can do whatever you want I don't care!" she screamed, listening to his words, "No, I don't care if you guys are undefeated. This is bullshit, Nathan. I asked you to hang out and you said yes and then said no because of "family obligations"," she was cut off from some angry talking on the other side, "You're lying! You said you'd hang out with me. What are you doing? Getting drunk and having sex with whores?" More angry words from the other side. I thought I heard the words: What if I am?_

_"Well don't let me stop you, you stupid asshole. Screw you!" she screamed, slamming the phone shut._

_I used to wish that this was the time where she'd turn to me all smiles, ready to do something, anything to get her mind off him. But her mind was never off him, Nathan was always there even when he was nowhere close._

* * *

I didn't understand why Nathan kept getting back with Peyton. I mean, I did but I didn't. Of course she was amazing and my best friend, but he cheated on her all the time… or just fooled around with girls when they were on "breaks". It wasn't a relationship, it was a joke. But they just kept getting back together.

After years of my own wrecks that I called relationships I finally realized why they'd gotten back together each time. They somehow found comfort in each other's unfaithful arms, even if they'd never admit it. That being with someone that knows you gives you one of the safest feelings in the world, until it's over and they go home, then the anger and vulnerability and disgust comes rushing back. Nathan knew he could get sex from her whenever he wanted, and that's why he probably kept her there. While Peyton took him back because she was lonely.

Peyton's anger began to get me angry and anxious all the time. I spent most of my time drinking at parties or hanging out with Jared at my house. After I'd learned that spending time with Peyton wasn't fun anymore I started going out, all the time. I was at all the parties Nathan was at, while Peyton sulked alone at home. I got plastered each and every time, escaping from the shit hole I called my life, if only for a couple hours.

* * *

_One night at one of the many parties, I walked and sat down beside Nathan one night, he'd looked sad._

"_Peyton and I broke up."_

"_Oh no!" I said, faking sorrow._

_He scowled at me, "Shut up."_

"_Well you guys break up every three minutes," I slurred, holding my beer cup unsteadily._

_"No, I think this time is for good," he said, or stuttered. I looked at him and noticed he was just as drunk as me, or maybe I was so drunk that he seemed drunk._

_He looked at me looking at him, and we held a steady glance. We knew what was to come._

_I threw on my clothes and ran out of the room, knowing exactly where I was headed. I'd tell Peyton everything, she'd probably even hate him more. She'd take my side of course, I mean I was her best friend, he was just her asshole of a boyfriend. Then they'd really break up and me and her could be friends again, finally. I ran to her house, alcohol always gave me energy. I looked up at her house and breathed a sigh of relief when I saw her bedroom light on. I opened her door quietly and began trotting up the stairs. I heard her voice, angry as usual._

_"Where the hell are you? You were supposed to come here!" she screamed, into her phone I presumed. There was silence for a bit, I got to the landing but stopped when I heard her voice again, "What the hell! What did that guy just say? Where are you? What the hell does he mean nice ass? Are you naked!" she screamed, even louder, "Oh my god, you had sex with somebody. You're in a bed fucking naked! I can't believe you, I can't believe you! Don't ever speak to me again," she screamed. I then jumped at the sound of her phone hitting the wall and breaking into pieces. _

_Good she was angry, really angry at him. This gave me the advantage… I think. Was it me or the vodka thinking? I had no idea. I walked quietly to her doorway, ready to bash him with her, help her get rid of all her anger. Tell her the truth what just happened. A noise came from her room, that scared me. I looked through the doorway and saw her on her bed, face back to me._

_Her shoulders raised and dropped as her hands were in her face. _

_Immediately, the alcohol disappeared from my mind as I realized she was crying. Really crying. Over Nathan. I couldn't remember the last time I'd seen her cry, all I'd seen her do was scowl and get angry, be bitter. And although I'd seen every war and broken heart movie, as I sat watching my best friend through her doorway crying, I realized that even though I was a couple steps away I was really miles away and as I heard her sobs erupt from her chest I realized, I'd never seen something so sad._

* * *

I'd quietly left the house, where I'd retreated to my house. Where I'd cried myself to sleep in a drunk stupor.

Peyton and Nathan never got back to that place they'd been, when they'd been happy. I believed they were in love, but things change, people change. And sometimes things never go back to the way they were, sometimes the people you are will never be the people you were.


	12. end

**end **

_We walked into the movie theatre on a late Tuesday night. We'd been 'dating' again for about five days, after he'd disappeared off my radar, back to Whitney of course, but he was back to me now, for good. He'd apologized, he'd begged and I'd taken him back. _

_During the middle of the movie I felt his nose nuzzle my neck and the chills ran up through my body, it was fire when he touched me._

_"I'm sorry," he muttered._

"_For what?"_

_"Everything."_

"_I know."_

_"I won't let you down again, okay?"_

"_Okay."_

_"I promise," he said as he took my face so gently in his giant hands, he kissed me softly and I lost myself in him._

* * *

There had been so many good times. So many memories. And the good somehow blocked out the bad in a lot of situations, opposite of how I wished it often worked. There had been those memories.

But there had also been many bad times.

When I'd heard he was still with Whitney, or had been seen with her. He'd come up with good alibis, excuses, explanations.

When he'd ignore me for a day or two. Not answering my text messages.

When he'd flipped at me for no reasons.

When he was drunk and angry and I was the closest person to him, to lash out everything out on.

But none of it really mattered in the end. All I really knew was that he had been my first love. I had been in love with him.

I had stayed with him through all the shit he'd put me through, my feelings never altering for a second as he repeatedly crushed and hurt me. I stayed in the circle, letting the blows hit me with each cruel thing he did, waiting for the time that would come where he'd be sweet and beautiful and nice to me again. and they did come, but I didn't realize that as time went on they started to happen less and less. More angry tantrums, tears and unanswered phone calls happened and less late nights watching scary movies cradled in his arms occurred.

Until, somehow he woke up.

He did something awful. I heard he'd been with Whitney and he'd admitted to it.

I'd lost it on him, for probably the first time in all six months we'd been dating, or known each other, whatever you wanted to call it.

I didn't reply to his texts. I didn't answer his phone calls.

And that rattled him, a lot.

Finally I gave in, agreeing to see him. And that's when he told me how stupid he'd been, what an idiot he was. That I was everything to him, that he'd made a huge mistake and I gave in because I loved him more than anything else here. I felt something for him, a passion, a fire, I'd never felt in my life and I'd walk through hell before I'd let it burn out.

So I gave him another chance and we had our best take yet, dating for six or seven months with no mention of any other girl, except me. Brooke Davis, his one and only.

* * *

_We drove in one of the guy's trucks. Some rapper yelling out profanities and sex positions about some hot girl. The usual._

_We were headed to the nearest liquor store to pick up some beer for the night._

_I was the only girl, nestled in the back between Jared and one of his friends._

_They were all laughing, telling jokes, chirping one another._

_Jared kissed my temple and I blushed._

_"I love you, Brooke," he whispered into my ear._

_And I could tell that no matter how many times I would tell the story to my jealous friends, they wouldn't understand. They wouldn't know the amazing… moment of beauty it held. Having him whisper those words in a screaming yelling catastrophe of music and friends. Like I was the only one._

* * *

I laughed now at those times.

When I'd been so reckless so stupid.

Letting someone treat me so horribly. Letting someone walk in and out of my life, like it was acceptable, like it was normal. I'd been young and stupid.

**But I'd been in love.**

Even now that I was older and more mature, I knew, knew in the center of my heart that I'd been in love, _maybe_ it hadn't been healthy or felt by both parties, but that's what it had been. There was no doubt. And that was why I'd let everything happen, and if I was in the same situation…even though I said I'd never put up with it again. I'd tell the guy to fuck off and find someone else to play around with… I wasn't sure I would. Because the thing was you could make all the threats, talk the talk but once you were there, really living the moment, staring at the one you loved to no end.. there was nothing you could do. As much courage and strength you built up until then could be completely shattered the second you stared into their eyes and heard their voice, the one that had comforted you and saved you so many times.

Love was funny like that.

And the thing was. I'd destroyed it. I'd taken everything that reminded me of Jared and put it in a garbage bag and thrown it out, including various articles of his brand name clothing. And I'd told him to leave me alone, that I wanted nothing to do with him ever again.

And we didn't speak, no words were exchanged for months.

Until it finally sunk in, and his drunken phone calls and text messages came every Friday or Saturday night. And each time I was stuck with the decision whether to pick up or whether to leave it.

And the decision is so easy for onlookers right? Don't pick up, he fucked up your life for _how _long? There is no decision, there is only one option, it is completely clear.

But still I struggled with it every time. Because although he'd broken every part of me, he'd been the one holding me together.

When you loved someone, you gave them every part of you, even if they didn't give _you _every part, you still gave yourself to them, emotionally and physically. And although they could hurt you, they could love you more than you'd ever known. You could feel so low and you could feel so high. It was a risk you had to take with saying the three big words. And that's what made it so special, taking that risk. It scared me to think that maybe I'd fallen in love with someone I'd never really known at all, since after our months of being inseparable after our awkward months of being off and on, he'd broken up with me to be with someone else. Right after he'd taken _it_ from me.

He walked out of my life just like he'd walked in it. He'd walked in not knowing what would happen, but he'd walked out perfectly aware, knowing me.

And when months, when more than a year passed and still nightmares and thoughts and confusion over phone calls and texts hit me, I started getting angry. Mostly at myself, but also angry at him that he wouldn't _let me _let go.

Something's never really go away. No matter how hard you tried to forget it, to erase it.

Our memories would ever be a part of me, they were stuck to me like the ones when I learned how to tie my shoes or ride a bike. Our first kiss, our first I love you's. The fact that some nights when I was lonely, after having returned from a party drunk or buzzed as hell, I'd stare at my phone and contemplate whether I should call or text him. Because sometimes all I wanted was that feeling back, all I wanted was to feel safe. And I still believed after years, that being in his arms at night was the safest I'd felt my whole life. But I didn't call and I didn't text because I refused to open up the gaping hole I'd worked _so _hard to close.

It was over.

He'd made his bed.

It had taken a year to get over it. More or less maybe.

Peyton had taken care of me wonderfully.

Following me as I left class abruptly to run to the bathroom, to cry my eyes out in an empty stall. Comforting me while I felt my insides would tear me asunder.

It was horrible. The feeling, of having your heart broken by someone you held in such high regard, by someone you gave _everything _to is described as nothing but pure agony. There is no word of pain or ache or hurt to describe it.

Until you have felt it, you can never even imagine how it feels. You can try and sympathize but your words will mean nothing to the victim unless they know you've experienced it. She was the exception. Although her heart had never actually been destroyed like mine, I knew day by day as her and Nathan's relationship only spun faster and faster into a dark hole, hers was slowly breaking piece by piece.

But even after it. Even after it all. I still deliberated every time the phone rang. Every single time.

Because it was so easy to fall back into it. Fall back into the deep, addictive circle. He was a drug, and the more I used him the more I'd pay for it later. But it felt _so _good.

I hated Nathan and Peyton together, the crap they willingly put each other through even though they claimed they were in love. They weren't in love. They had been, a long time ago. Now they were strung to one another with an invisible string that had kept them there for years, they both didn't see themselves living without one another and that was why they refused to cut it each and every time. And I wished every day that when she told me they'd broken up, she meant for good. But it never was.

But the funny thing about Nathan and Peyton together was even though I hated it, I'd needed it. if I hadn't been there to watch them crash and burn I never would've been able to get over Jareds.

They made me realize that things _never _went back to the way they were.

And sometimes you had to wake up and realize that to get over something, anything.

That the person or place or thing you wanted wasn't what it once was. _That_, would never be yours again. Things would be changed and different and new, the familiarity would be there in a sense, but not enough to fix it all, fix all the broken parts of why it fell apart in the first place.

And the day I figured it all out, was the day I got over it.

But even when you're over things, and you'll know you'll never go near it again, it doesn't mean all thoughts of it disintegrate. I thought about him a lot, a lot less than I used to, but his face and our memories still filled me. And when my phone rang, a pain clutched my stomach each time.

And that was how the Brooke Davis people grew to love happened.

Because the confusing feelings, of not wanting him but loving him, hating him but needing him, realizing it was over. All they did was fuck me up, and I was so young. I was sixteen. Love is a powerful thing, and when given to someone who's not prepared, it's like a hurricane that comes in and tears your whole shit apart.

So the drinking started, and the numbing followed. And my worries no longer became Jared, they were puking, passing out, regrets, getting home, waking up beside a stranger, mistakes, hook ups, fall outs, bitch fights, and black outs

And even though people may have seem them as worse, I accepted them each and every time because it didn't hurt, it didn't even touch me. It was nothing compared to what had once burned.

But all those years of burning finally stopped.

It all came to an end. The pain, tears, confusion.

When _he _walked into my life.

* * *

**Chapter 13 : Chase**

* * *


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